BUCK!!!!!

Im not even sure what to say about the show.. I just know that I have to say something.. I have seen alot in my life.. a lot of extremely cool performances by some of my favorite artists. I have even gotten a tattoo..for one. But this show.. this I dont even know what to call it.. took my breath away. I literally stopped  breathing. A sound came out of that child that I cant describe. If you have ever heard Shade sing.. you have heard the huge booming voice. You have witnessed his range and the depth of his voice...And that definitly happened a lot during this show.. But this sound.. this was different. This was so high.. and so soft that you had to strain to hear every word.. you had to listen.. and you felt his heart breaking.. felt your own heart breaking. I thought to myself. WHO IS THIS! Who is this 17 year old boy. I thought back to when he was in kindergarten and the teacher called me in.. told me (first.. that she would like to speak to his mom.. not his sister. I said "I am the mom"..gig..) then that she would like me to speak with him about his singing opera in class. And that it was disruptive. HA I thought.. whatever! But talked to him. And I remember his feelings being so hurt that I was worried he was never going to sing again. And then Gram-pa singing On top of spaghetti opera style with him. I think I knew then that this was not a normal boy. And the first show when he was 7.. remembering more lines than I could even imagine. And never going up on one of them. I have seen  him sing in so many shows I cant name them all. Heard him sing for a college orchestra show.. with such skill at the age of maybe 9. BUT this... I tell you this was different. This was... magic! I love all my babies. and Justice in this show.. SO cute.. I just wanted to squeeze him and yell YOUR SO FRICKEN CUTE!!!!!! Every time he came on the stage my heart fluttered.. he was just so handsome.. and he sang.. and he sang well.. It is not easy in Shades shadow and I think that he was brilliant. And this next weekend Tearsa has a huge part in her show.. she is a bear.. lol... mother bear. LOVE IT!...They are all brilliant!.. But to Shade.. this show.. Lord child all I can say is.. "DUDE THAT WAS NASTY WRONG AND BUCK!!"

Ahhh it must be the dreaded amnio sarcoidosis...:)

Gig.. Just a small House reference.. In all seriousness.. it is the dreaded H1N1..! There is something really wrong about getting sick when your a single parent..Especially when the kids are sick as well.  This is the true test of your love for them.. Pulling yourself out of your own extreme crappiness.. and cleaning up theirs. Also the world doesn't stop cause your sick.. the laundry doesn't stop. The dishes don't stop.. the horrible aim in the bathroom doesn't stop. And so.. dragging yourself around you try to at least keep the smell to a minimum. And when I got home from the doctor today.. I realized I had been failing in that aspect. There was definitely a smell.. probably the dishwasher which i don't use.. and so it starts to smell funky if I don't clean it.. Whatever it is.. my ocd will require me to search it out. Even sick I am a clean freak. Shade got a shot in the rear.. to hopefully get him through the show.. Justice is coughing but I think a shot of whisky.. or maybe a little dm.. will get him through.. Its Irelynn i worry most about. Her little lungs have never recovered from her birth and so.. I watch her like a hawk.. I know it sounds crazy but I can smell RSV.. And so I smell her breath.. which she just thinks is wierd.. but I can.. if she has it.. smell it. And it terrifies me. So sick and feverish.. I trudge along... lala

Okay just one more thing.....

For my sister.. I am so proud of you! So proud of your family. So amazed at your faithfulness and your devotion. And so thankful to you for taking us all on this journey with you. Our God is an awesome God and he has granted this family more than our share of miracles! Never before have we prayed as we have for Selah and every where we go we request prayers for her and for your family. God could not help but listen. And because we know and expect that mountain to move.. it does!. I cry when I read your posts.. mostly because I feel your heart. I feel your children's heart. I feel Ryan's heart. And you are all so close to me. I am so glad.. that on that bed years ago when I tried to talk you two out of each other.. you didn't listen! And I cant wait to see what happens next! And to meet the newest member of the Cleveland Mafia!!

Greys.....

I am not happy shiny.. never have been. I am dark and twisty.. always have been. And for a long time I thought that was maybe a bad thing.. but I have decided its not a good or a bad thing.. it just is. You are who you are. And when I try to be happy shiny.. i usually just feel and probably look stupid. Because.. you cant really fake it till you make it where this is concerned. I use to be jealous of other moms blogs.. wish I could find the happiness and light in my children and my life. But maybe its not about that. Maybe I get just as much joy from the darkness.. and craziness.. Not their troubles mind you.. but actually the troubles of their day are sometimes good for the best laugh between us. Like Shawn walking into Justice's study hall in a leather jacket and scaring the teachers so bad that they had to pair up to approach him. Guess they thought he was going to pull his gun. lol.. Mortified Justice.. Horrified Justice.. but later at home.. Funny stuff.. we laughed.. dark and twisty! Justice telling his teacher that I drink a bloody mary every morning for breakfast.. and that it is very bloody! WAS ALMOST TO MUCH!!. Its not just me.. its my family as well.. its like genetic.. if its not spose to be funny or its politically incorrect..or God forbid a funeral.. laughter may over take us.  BEST STUFF EVER!.. So I decided that its silly to worry about wether or not its okay for me to be this way... and to just be. Dark.. Twisty.. Crazy.. Funny.. Loving.. Who needs happy shiney anyway??..lala

Jacks Mannequin...

"Swim"
You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive

You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth

The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in

I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above

Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim

Half Crazed Mississippi Squirrel!!!!

Discontentment is a disease! I am pretty sure of this fact.. I am reading the blog I did just the other day and thinking.. how sad.. I must have felt that way to write it.. I am such a woman! I think that sometimes when I am about to have a revival of spirit.. about to make some changes.. about to overcome yet again the addictions that plague me.. The devil sends discontentment.. Just a whisper in my ear that life is not as it should be. That the grass on the other side of the fence must be better. That I deserve more.. And the whisper is sooo quiet that I dont recognize it for who it is.. until.. I am yet again on my knees.. But I am stronger than I use to be.. SO instead of just giving in to the feeling.. I trust and continue to head toward the revival.. continue to attempt to reign in the addictions.. and look back on the blog I wrote just a couple days ago and recognize it for what it is... the thoughts of someone who is not trusting God! I think the God has to constantly be on his toes with me..I am not by nature a good person.. I know that sounds um.. self hating but its true.. Some people just are...good.. And some of us.. well we are in an active daily fight for that same goodness. There are people that God has to send into the fire.. and then there are those of us who actively search out the fire and then promptly throw ourselves in head first. And if thats my battle I'll gladly take it. There are far harder battles that people fight. And if discontentment in my marriage is my issue.. I need to remember that I am in this place for a reason. If only to show my husband what a Christian looks like. And they definitely don't look like an angry, frustrated yelling person! I am not above screaming at him IF YOU WERE A CHRISTIAN YOU WOULD GET THIS!! IF YOU BELIEVED IN MY GOD YOU WOULD BE HAPPY!! ARGH!! ahh yeah I'm sure he thinks.. this is definitely making you a better, happy person. Okay.. SO.. I must settle down.. keep fighting.. and ignore the annoying whispers of the one who wants desperately for me to fail yet again. And if I need a revival of spirit.. I trust that my God will send a squirrel! Lala

Les Mis......

So.. Shade at 17. Will soon be leaving the house.. I am petrified! He has been one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.. He is an actor.. from Nick Tickle fairy tale detective.. to Les Mis.. I would never have gotten to experience so many theatrical performances if he had not been who he is. The sound of his voice can bring you to tears.. he makes me believe that even a 17 year old girl can some how produce greatness in a child. I'm not sure how I will cope when he is no longer in this house. I pray with everything that is in me that he knows how important family is. And NEVER retreats into solitude.. and continues to let the rest of us be active participants in his life. I pray that he remembers that his God is a great and mighty God.. And that after he accepted him into his life.. regardless of whether he is reaching for Him.. God is hanging on to him with all his might! He will not let him go! I desperately want him to be happy and successful. He has already made far better choices in his life than I ever did.. I hope that he continues to do so.. I am SOOO trying to pay attention this last year.. I dont want to miss anything! I want to remember EVERYTHING! I dont know how his leaving will affect me for sure but I know I will not be the same without him around everyday. When you first have your babies you know this day will come but it seems so far off and unreal you dont really think to much about it.. Well I'm telling you now.. IT comes fast.. It comes like a thief in the night.. It sneaks up on you and I for one.. am not ready!

Breathe.............

I'm not sure how people do some of the things they do.. brave things.. hard things.. I feel like my life could be totally different.. except I'm hmm.. hard put for the proper emotion. When you know your not happy but doing anything about it would probably make you not happier.. So you just hunker down into it.. pretend that it doesn't mater that 75 percent of the time your just waiting for the other 25 percent of your life.. And even that 25 percent your not like super happy.. which I think you should be if you only get 25 percent, you shouldn't waste any of it on anything less than bliss.. I'm not sure if bliss is even in my range of emotions. I think the closest I get is probably not real.. you know substance bliss.. do regular people ever get to the bliss stage.. Well I don't know.. all I know is I'm not happy. And I'm not sure if I can be.. I'm not full of angst don't get me wrong.. I'm not walking around contemplating how horrible I feel.. no not at all.. it just strikes me sometimes.. like a.. like a.. like a.. gunshot I guess. no not that bad. Like a trip.. where you fall unexpectedly yeah like that! Like bugger that curb shot up out of nowhere! That's how it hits.. and then I think cover it up!! Cover it up!! Get a bandage.. get some salve.. put something on that so its not just open to air!! DANG NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR PAIN!

Omgosh its totally like that.. TOTALLY! I knew if I wrote it out Id figure it out. Sooo I cover it up.. pretend I'm fabulous! Cause if you dont someone undoubtedly says, "shut up and put on your big girl panties!" SO you do.. you shut up for well lets see its been about 22 years Ive been shut....and miserable.... So once you recognize the problem then what.. Well if your me?? Get ready for 22 more years. lol Lala

Super Hero's Unite!!

So I met a man.. well a boy.. he's 5 ! And I'm hopelessly in love with him.. He reminds me of Justice.. His name is Connor and he has ADHD. By the time I get him his meds for the day have worn off and he is full of amazing incites and a truthfulness that breaks my heart! He cant really participate and so he sits on my lap and talks. For an hour and a half he talks. And I.. listen. When he gets tired of talking.. he sings.. Now if you know me you know I cant have anymore kids.. and I get worried that I'll never feel that kind of true devotion that comes when a child knows your really listening.. not faking it. REALLY LISTENING!! And the look in their eyes when they realize that at this moment there is no one in the room more important to you then them. I'm pretty sure he doesn't get much of this kind of attention and so maybe he needs me just as much as I need him. He tells me that he is not a real boy and when he tells his teachers this they dont listen. But he is a super hero and he can see colors.. colors around people.. colors around things.. He has x-ray vision. And a jet pack that only works when he's asleep. In his dreams he can fly! He fights battles through the night and then when he wakes up he has to pretend to be normal. (I totally get that!) He eats carrots for more life power bars.. He can name every transformer and what they do. And if you teach him anything in a song.. he can sing it! Including a bible verse he has been working on for weeks.. I am smitten! Lala