Breathe.............

I'm not sure how people do some of the things they do.. brave things.. hard things.. I feel like my life could be totally different.. except I'm hmm.. hard put for the proper emotion. When you know your not happy but doing anything about it would probably make you not happier.. So you just hunker down into it.. pretend that it doesn't mater that 75 percent of the time your just waiting for the other 25 percent of your life.. And even that 25 percent your not like super happy.. which I think you should be if you only get 25 percent, you shouldn't waste any of it on anything less than bliss.. I'm not sure if bliss is even in my range of emotions. I think the closest I get is probably not real.. you know substance bliss.. do regular people ever get to the bliss stage.. Well I don't know.. all I know is I'm not happy. And I'm not sure if I can be.. I'm not full of angst don't get me wrong.. I'm not walking around contemplating how horrible I feel.. no not at all.. it just strikes me sometimes.. like a.. like a.. like a.. gunshot I guess. no not that bad. Like a trip.. where you fall unexpectedly yeah like that! Like bugger that curb shot up out of nowhere! That's how it hits.. and then I think cover it up!! Cover it up!! Get a bandage.. get some salve.. put something on that so its not just open to air!! DANG NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR PAIN!

Omgosh its totally like that.. TOTALLY! I knew if I wrote it out Id figure it out. Sooo I cover it up.. pretend I'm fabulous! Cause if you dont someone undoubtedly says, "shut up and put on your big girl panties!" SO you do.. you shut up for well lets see its been about 22 years Ive been shut....and miserable.... So once you recognize the problem then what.. Well if your me?? Get ready for 22 more years. lol Lala