SELAH!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes there are miracles! Sometimes there are things that happen that there is no other explanation for. Sometimes the sky opens and favor falls like rain.! Sometimes the faithful win! Sometimes babies come to mama's from across the ocean! Sometimes..... there are miracles!

Maybe I push when I meant to be still

Maybe I take it all too personal
Jesus, how to reconcile
The joyful noise
The ancient land
The tug from some invisible hand
The dying mother weaving bulrushes
Along the Nile
Float her basket over the sea
Here on a barren shore
We'll be waiting for
A tailwind to carry her orphan's cry
Don't you worry child
I wrote a lullaby
I try to settle, but I just pass through
A rain dog, a gypsy
A wandering Jew
All those homes where not ours
Then i slept one night in Abraham's field
And dreamt there was no moon
The night he died
Counting stars

Selah

Float her basket over the sea
Here on a barren shore
We'll be waiting for
A tailwind to carry an orphan's cry
Don't you worry child
I wrote a lullaby
Building you a home
Building you a home
Building you a home
We're Building you a home

Selah
So float her basket over the sea
Here on a barren shore
We'll be waiting for
A tailwind to carry an orphan's cry
Don't you worry child
I wrote a lullaby

Float her basket over the sea
Here on a barren shore
We'll be waiting for
A tailwind to bring us your sweet cry
Don't you worry child
I'm gonna sing you a lullaby... Welcome home baby girl!....lala

ARRRRGHHHH!!!!

If I could I would write a million words right now... I would open the gates and the floods would come. I would scream... I would yell.. I would fight. but.. i cant.... And Im to tired to care that I cant... How do you fight the fight when the outcome... is never a win. No matter what.. both sides.. lose. I keep circling it.. looking at it.. and now im just tired and dizzy. So.. laying down flat on the floor.. all I have left is an argh....

And his name shall be................

CHARLIE!!!!

How do you know.. what you know???

So.. the question has been asked.. How do you know a person?? Well.. Its not easy to answer. I mean sometimes you dont! Sometimes your wrong.. sometimes a person who you thought was something turns out to be not who you thought. Hence divorce. Before a marriage you are on your best behavior usually and everything is new.. and no one admits or shows all faults.. then after.. well you find out what your mate is really made of. USUALLY.. now some of us married someone that we met very very young.. and that situation is different. I grew up with my husband.. in a very real sense he raised me. So I knew what I was doing when I married him. What about someone you meet on a night out... Ya'll know what Im talking about.. the one night meet. How do you know when you take them home that they are not evil, horrible, killers???? Well.. maybe they are??? I am not a fan of the one night meet for that very reason. Well more than that reason but its certainly a factor. Say you meet someone at church.. looks like a godly man.. sounds like a godly man.. and then.. murders and raps your whole family. Okay so say you meet someone online... how do you know who they are..?? I mean a person can say anything. right? How do you ever trust anyone? Anyone and everyone is suspect! You could live your life hiding never learning about anyone new.. every one could be the one who will kill your whole family.. OR.. you could talk.. and talk.. and talk some more. Maybe in the beginning.. searching for inconsistencies.. trying to ferret out a lie.. asking a billion probing questions.. and finally when realizing that maybe just maybe this is an honest truthful person.. settling down into a friendship..You can spend your life convinced that the people around you are horrible.. sometimes you have to trust your gut. And what if.. what if.. at the end of the day it turns out you were wrong???? This thought process only leaves me alone.. hiding in my house.. scared to go anywhere or talk to anyone. Thinking that everyone who is nice to me is after me.. Is that how Im suppose to live?? Wonderful....as if my life didnt suck already.. As if I didnt already have enough weird phobias.. now we can add.. terrified of all relationships! Oh wait.. I already had that one...sheshhhh lala

My Second Life.........

Alright.. lets just throw it out there.. air it out.. explain it.. answer all question.. tell no lies... are you ready!???
SO I have discovered second life.
   Second life is an internet world. Full of amazing people.. amazing places.. really as far as I can tell only the truly smart and imaginative survive. Its like Utopia... You are an avatar.. and you live a life and it can be whatever you want it to be. Second life and Real life.. MESH! I dont care what others may tell you. If your really in the game.. the two are intertwined. And this is why...... SL.. is exactly what you want it to be! You look exactly how you want to look. You do whatever it is you always dreamed of doing.. You wear whatever you always dreamed of wearing. You say what you have always wanted to say.. You ARE You.. OR You are what you have always felt or dreamed you were inside. When you first begin.. you have nothing.. you know noone.. your a baby. And then.. you learn.. and you learn and you learn some more.. there are classes.. just like college were you can learn.. Its like Brain Food!! And for so many of us who are hmmm not stuck but sort of stuck in lives we didnt count on.. stuck in bodies we didnt count on.. stuck in jobs we didnt count on.. SL is JOY!! Let me explain about me.. I am in rl.. if I were myself.. I guess you would say Goth Punk.. (inside myself) So I love crazy clothes.. love sortof the vampire of old look.. love long hair.. or punk hair.. love boots.. love thigh high socks.. LOVE LOVE LOVE corsets.. well in RL I cant wear that stuff.. I mean im a 34 year old mom of 4 and frankly my mahawk and tattoos are already to much for them.. so I stuff the real me.. down.. into sweats and flip flops.. BUT in SL.. I am a rockin Punk Goth Vamp! Well not a real vamp anymore cause well.. that was stupid and annoying.. but Im pretty sure at one point or another everyone tries the vamp thing.. cause seriously vamps are cool. Anyway.. so yeah my Avi is rockin some amazing clothes.. And I think if it were just fashion i would still be very happy with SL but its not.
     In RL I live in a normal house.. of course inside my house.. doesnt look like most peoples because I love old things.. SO my RL house is full of Old books.. old candlesticks.. old anything really that I can find.. but still its a normal house.. The house of my dreams.. is my Grandmas Cabin.. Small.. fireplace.. filled with my old things.. SOOO my SL house.. is a hut.. outside flowers exactly like at the rl cabin. And water.. just like at the RL cabin.. A sunbeam.. just like at the cabin shines in the front yard. ITS MY DREAM HOUSE!!!!!!.. SO sometimes I sit outside.. and just dream that I am there.
     In RL I LOVE LOVE LOVE music.. and often wish that my life had a soundtrack.. in SL.. alone I can travel with music playing.. my music.. coming out of my Avi's head.. My SL has a soundtrack!!!
     In RL.. there is rarely learning.. and I love learning.. love to read.. love to figure.. love to think.. in my RL not a lot of call for learning.. in SL i learn all the time.. every day something new.
     In RL..I dont travel.. I live in a very boring state.. Beauty is not something I can seek out. In SL I seek beauty daily.. Take a thousand pictures of amazing sites.. marvel at the thought the someone thought this up and made it happen. Just look around amazed.. AND I know that there are places like that on RL earth but I will never see them. I will never sit and gaze at the ocean and watch the sun slowly fade and the stars appear.. im just not. SOOOO I do in SL.
     I know that its a fantasy.. I know that people dont get why I love it.. SO maybe this will help you understand. For some of us.. SL is the only way we will ever get to live our dreams.. and whats so wrong with that?? I think that you should take what joy is offered in life.. NOW heres the kicker.. here is the tricky part.. NOT getting sucked into your SL.. cause RL doesnt stop.. and RL is most important.. there has to be a balance. AND its tricky.. cause.. SL calls to you.. "come disappear in me..".. "come be everything you want to be".. COME!!!... So.. balance.. but mesh.. I like tricky things! lala

I claim this follicle for ITALY!!!

that's all.. ;).. lala

Call To Arms...

If asked.. what if you could only have one thing in your life.. only one.. what would it be??.. I'd say without hesitation.. "MUSIC!!"

There's a little black, dark, scorched hard divide

This is it can you hear me?
Have you ever felt sad, hurt, buried alive?
You can do almost anything..
There's a little red bridge with a view of the sun
With a lake, recommend such a sunny sign
And a thousand stars counted thousands of times
We can go only if you believe

Only if you believe

Do you feel like you lost everything you can lose?
This is it can you hear me?
When you cry do your tears choke up the room?
Calling out in a moment of need
Do you ever lay awake with the look in the eyes?
And ask God is there a wish that's too big to deny?

I will offer a line that was ready for use
Let me know are you ready for me?

I'd like to say that you're my only fear
And when I dream it slowly disappears
And when I wake I'm right here by your side
To feel your heart beat in and out of time
[Hey!]

When the storm brings rain snow fate of all kinds
You can feel almost anything
When the day seems to melt fall flat into night
You can feel most anything
When you can't go, you gotta get up and try
This is it can you feel me?
When the bombs come down you will make it alive

But only if you want to believe

I'd like to say that you're my only fear
And when I dream it slowly disappears
And when I wake I'm right here by your side
To feel your heart beat in and out of time

I'd like to say that you're my only fear
And when I dream it slowly disappears
And When I wake I'm right here by your side
To feel your heart beat in and out of time

Out of time
When I dream
When I dream
I feel your heart
When I dream
I'm out of time
Feel your heart
When I dream
I'm out of time
Feel your heart
I feel your heart
I feel your heart
I feel your heart

I'd like to say that you're my only fear
And when I dream it slowly disappears
And when I wake I'm right here by your side
To feel your heart beat in and out of time

Public Hair!!!!!

I take care of people.. its what I do. I have cared for so many.. loved them like they were my own. I have held them till the very end.. I have cried with their families. Reassuring them that this is not the end but the beginning. Last night my Dad got very sick.. was taken to the emergency room and frankly I fell apart inside. I am not ready I explained to God. SO if you could please just let this not be anything serious I would appreciate it. After frantically cleaning my house like a crazy person.. a peace came over me. He had to have an emergency appendectomy. Now I have taken care of people in this hospital.. I have spent hours watching over them because I am well aware that if your family or friends dont.. the hospital (especially this one) may kill you. SO I go up this morning fully expecting to have to care for him and not being ready. And my God once again knew... it would be to much for me. I found him in a wonderful state of mind. He was feeling very well. We took a walk and now I am going to say something that if reading this can never get back to him. MY DAD.. the one who only loses his cool on the very rare occasion.. (plums..opera..lol) informed us that they "had shaven his public hair!".. yes public.. lol.. I knew then that he was fine! I know that the day will come when they need us.. I know that when it comes I will step up. I know that they (both parents) will never be taken care of but anyone but their girls... who they raised to do exactly that.. ITS WHAT WE DO!! At a very young age we were taught that the older generations were to be loved.. appreciated.. hugged.. touched.. that no one was too scary.. that no one was too broken.. that we couldnt take care of them. And my sisters and I have carried that with us.. And so I know that someday it will come.. but I just need a little more time.... Are you listening up there.. GOD, I am not ready!.. So for a while longer please keep them safe.. keep them happy and laughing.. In your Sons MIGHTY name, Amen.. lala

ps.. more dark and twisty proof.. : My Dad, Mom. Elaine and I wondering if we could figure out a way to see Jesus or Mother and child in the ruptured appendics.. hoping for ebay millions..:)

The Blood of Angry Men!

She Came!! She Came!! Happy dance!!!! When one of us.. needs the other.. or the other needs one of us..we come!.. We.. my sisters and I are connected. We are not complete apart. Together we make an unstoppable force.. alone.. well I for one have a hard time just moving. They love me. They dont judge me. They want happiness for me. And there is no better feeling on the planet than that.. And they KNOW me.. Not what I show others. Not what I show my husband.. Not what my kids see. THEY KNOW ME! I am not easy to love. Yes ladies.. I am aware of my crapiness. But just like a dream when one needs.. the others appear.. and then just like a dream the next day gone.. All that's left is the memory.. that SHE CAME!!

BUCK!!!!!

Im not even sure what to say about the show.. I just know that I have to say something.. I have seen alot in my life.. a lot of extremely cool performances by some of my favorite artists. I have even gotten a tattoo..for one. But this show.. this I dont even know what to call it.. took my breath away. I literally stopped  breathing. A sound came out of that child that I cant describe. If you have ever heard Shade sing.. you have heard the huge booming voice. You have witnessed his range and the depth of his voice...And that definitly happened a lot during this show.. But this sound.. this was different. This was so high.. and so soft that you had to strain to hear every word.. you had to listen.. and you felt his heart breaking.. felt your own heart breaking. I thought to myself. WHO IS THIS! Who is this 17 year old boy. I thought back to when he was in kindergarten and the teacher called me in.. told me (first.. that she would like to speak to his mom.. not his sister. I said "I am the mom"..gig..) then that she would like me to speak with him about his singing opera in class. And that it was disruptive. HA I thought.. whatever! But talked to him. And I remember his feelings being so hurt that I was worried he was never going to sing again. And then Gram-pa singing On top of spaghetti opera style with him. I think I knew then that this was not a normal boy. And the first show when he was 7.. remembering more lines than I could even imagine. And never going up on one of them. I have seen  him sing in so many shows I cant name them all. Heard him sing for a college orchestra show.. with such skill at the age of maybe 9. BUT this... I tell you this was different. This was... magic! I love all my babies. and Justice in this show.. SO cute.. I just wanted to squeeze him and yell YOUR SO FRICKEN CUTE!!!!!! Every time he came on the stage my heart fluttered.. he was just so handsome.. and he sang.. and he sang well.. It is not easy in Shades shadow and I think that he was brilliant. And this next weekend Tearsa has a huge part in her show.. she is a bear.. lol... mother bear. LOVE IT!...They are all brilliant!.. But to Shade.. this show.. Lord child all I can say is.. "DUDE THAT WAS NASTY WRONG AND BUCK!!"